Five Cool Moments in My Life

2010 ended on a high. Not only was I ‘freshly pressed’ on the front page of WordPress over New Year which was a real buzz, I was also interviewed by Spanish newspaper ABC Canarias.

I was particularly proud of that because it came about partly because of recognition by a journalist on the paper that my articles captured the idiosyncracies of the ‘real’ Tenerife. That was a special compliment as far as I was concerned.

It felt quite rewarding to see the only decent photograph of me that exists appear in a Spanish paper. Hopefully I didn’t come across as too much of a geek; although as it was in Spanish, few Brits will ever know it existed.

It also got me thinking about other ‘cool’ moments in my life.

Here’s my top five.

1: Helping a Sheep Give Birth
My aunt had a farm in the Scottish borders that we visited every year. One time during lambing season when I was about 8 we came across a sheep that was having trouble giving birth. The lamb had turned around inside the womb and someone had to put their hand inside, find the lambs head and turn it around. My farm veteran 13 year old cousin’s hands were too big and my sister and female cousin were having none of it. I was ‘advised’ by my cruel elders that if I didn’t do it the lamb would die and it would be my fault.
With tears blinding me I boldly stuck my hand where I really didn’t want to. When that little lamb popped out and started bleating it was the proudest and messiest moment of my life.

2: Becoming Immortal in a Ghost City
Okay, it’s a bit cheesy, but becoming immortal in the ghost city of Fengdu in China has to be right up there. In truth it didn’t involve an awful lot – running up a long staircase without taking a breath – but it was a feat beyond most of the aged 70+ other people on the steps whose doddering nearly prevented Andy and I from becoming immortal. I’m not proud, but I had to I barge some of them out of the way in my quest to become immortal (add loud evil laugh).

3: Being Complimented in Sex and the City land.
Being in Times Square for the Millennium was pretty mind blowing in itself, but a seriously stylish guy and gal approaching me in a record store in Manhattan to compliment my shoes and ask where I’d bought them was just the bee’s knees. Giving out fashion advice in the heart of Sex and the City land was just the ultimate. Of course it was just the shoes. Nothing else about me was remotely fashionable – it was winter in NY and I was dressed for practicality. Apart from the über cool shoes, I looked more like an itinerant bank robber.
The shoes, by the way, were bought in Schuh in The Trafford Centre and I’ve still got them. Needless to say they don’t look quite as good these days, but they’re still the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn.

4: Yes Prime Minister
In a previous life I wrote reports and briefings about various things for government ministers. A lot of the time I never knew what happened to them after I hit the send button and mostly they were quite dry factual, analytical pieces. On one occasion I had to supply a brief for a politician giving a speech to the Chamber of Commerce in Manchester. I can’t remember why or even what it was, but I added a witticism to the brief and bugger me, the politician kept it in. I was pretty chuffed a couple of days later when the MEN included the line when they reported Gordon Brown’s address to Manchester’s business community.

5: You’re a Better Man Than I am…
A quarter of a century ago there was a girl at work that I had the serious hots for. But she was way out of my league and her circle of friends were smart, witty and interesting whereas I was a hick with an appalling taste in music not long arrived from a small Scottish island. One day she mentioned that she’d heard Hawkeye in MASH use a quote from Gunga Din and that she’d love to know the whole poem. So at the first opportunity I headed to Waterstones, bought a copy of Barrack-Room Ballads, learned the poem by heart and recited it to her in the office canteen during lunch hour. But was she impressed?

It was by far the most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done…as she’s sitting with her back to me typing away as I write.

All Inclusive Hotels – The Dumbing Down of Travel

I detest AI (All Inclusive) with a passion. You can present any number of reasons why AI represents an attractive holiday option and they might all be valid, but you won’t stop me from hating it.

You want to see me?...Get off your ass!

There are a number of reasons why I’m anti-AI, but one of the main ones is that as the availability of AI increases, the world is becoming a less exotic place.

As I was growing up, I mentally compiled a list of places I wanted to see, things I wanted to do. Magazines, books and movies opened up a world full of adventure with steamy jungles, jetties filled with sacks of exotic spices, vibrant cities with maze like alleys and people whose clothes were of such bright colours that you’d be blinded if you stared directly at them.

I haven’t achieved half of the things on that list, but I have managed some.

Nope...no AI here.

I’ve stood on the Great Wall of China; inched along the Bridge on the River Kwai; stared into the eyes of a lion in Kenya; gazed on the Indian Ocean from the ramparts of the walled city of Galle in Serendip; sipped Marsala tea with generals overlooking the Gateway to India…and so on. These are cherished memories. Treasures which are special to me and which I dust off every now and again and take out of the little box in my head marked ‘unforgettable moments’.
However, the Mumfords are doing their best to turn this world of wonder into a bland version of an out of town hypermarket.

Ahhh, that feels good!

Apologies to anyone called Mumford out there, I’m sure most of you are very nice people, but that was the name of a couple we encountered on our first long haul jaunt. In the jungle in Yala National Park in Sri Lanka we sat at a long trestle table where we were presented with the choice of eating a typical Sri Lankan curry, or roast beef. The Mumfords opted for roast beef.
“I’m not trying any of that muck,” I think were Mr Mumfords’ exact words.

This was nigh on twenty years ago. Travel to exotic and far flung places was still a relative rarity for the masses. We’d only been able to afford Sri Lanka because much of it was still a war zone (some things never change). A British FO document on arrival advised us not to leave the hotel. We ignored it.

The point is that the Mumfords were the harbingers of the AI generation and in my opinion typified everything that was wrong with the concept…they weren’t particularly interested in where they were going, but they were interested in wearing T-shirts which broadcast to the world where they’d been. They were simply ticking off the world.

Just doesn't look the same in a hotel lounge

Nowadays it’s gone a step further; with AI people don’t visit countries, they visit hotel complexes. They can say I’ve been to Mexico, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, whatever without ever having to actually experience the country itself…God forbid.

And that’s why I dislike AI; it sanitises travel and makes countries accessible to people who wouldn’t otherwise set foot in them. AI makes the world seem that little bit less magical.

This might sound as though I’m being a travel snob. I don’t care. I am a travel snob, I’m an unashamed travel snob, but only in as much as I believe that travelling is about experiencing the country you’re visiting; about discovery and learning…oh, as well as having fun in the process. I’m not some Calvinist with a back pack.

But if I’m a travel snob, then what does that make someone who travels 10 hours to sit in the sun around a pool complex which could be in ‘anywhere land’ when they could do exactly the same a lot closer to home?

Say Cheese…or Just Say Cheesy

We’ve just spent the last three months completing a draft of a new guide to Tenerife for the ‘Going Native’ series of travel books. However, there’s one part we haven’t quite managed yet. For us it’s probably the most difficult part – the profile photo for the back cover of the book.

Clearly having your ‘boat’ plastered for all to see on the cover of a book is something that needs serious consideration. Timing is everything to get this just right, but so far our planets haven’t been perfectly aligned so to speak.

• Andy thinks her hair’s too long, mine is too Quentin Crisp.
• We both look tired and pale having been staring at a screen for nigh on three months.
• We’ve had a spate of visitors (that means eating more than usual), so Andy thinks she’s got too many bulges in the wrong places.
• The weather’s not been great, so the light’s not been right.

And now we’ve both got the flu, so the ‘less colour than your average Zombie’ look might work for sultry super models, but for us the effect comes across as just being ‘haggard’.

Then there’s the question of which pose do you adopt. This can be a minefield.
Saddo that I am, I’ve studied other people’s pictures to see if I could find any that I could copy (I think it would be difficult to prove I’d plagiarised a pose). Some people are blessed; they just seem to smile at the camera and immediately look fantastic and natural. But there are others who get it terribly wrong.
I spotted one of these in a local English language paper here the other day. I reckon the guy must have been aiming for a serious, studious look which added gravitas to his column. In reality it made him look a like a supercilious eejit and the fact that he’s never changed the photo would suggest that maybe that’s not far off the mark. So staring over the rim of glasses is out (unless it’s beer glasses – that might work) as is the resting of the chin on a fist.

Another consideration is the setting of the photograph. We thought a background of banana plantations might be quite nice and as we were passing through one the other day when my mother was here, I recruited her to be photographer. Trouble was that she’s a point and click person with a reputation for cutting off heads, legs and any other body part you might wish to name. She actually did alright; it was us that were wrong for:

1. The reasons listed previously and
2. Because I was frowning at the camera trying to see if my mum was pressing the right button. This is a habit I have when Andy’s taking pictures as well; the result being that I invariably look like a right scowling ‘git’ in photos. In my defence, in Andy’s case she usually asks “How do I focus this?” or something, just as she’s about to take the photo resulting in me frowning just as the camera goes ‘CLICK’.

The upshot of all this is that most of the above are just excuses, it’s time we just bit the bullet and took the photograph…although looking shocking because of having the flu is actually a pretty valid reason. Maybe we’ll wait a couple of more days.