Tenerife Bullshitters – It’s an Art Form

Posted: January 21, 2010 in Life, Spain, Tenerife, Travel
Tags: , , , ,

Some people will tell you that Tenerife has a reputation for having a few bullshitters amongst the ex-pat population. In truth we haven’t encountered too many in the six years we’ve lived here; most of the people we meet are solid, sound and interesting.

However, the ones that we have encountered have usually fitted a very similar pattern. They go to great pains to tell you how wonderful they are and turn you glassy eyed by droning on about all the incredible things they can do. Invariably these people turn out to be quite the opposite of the picture they paint of themselves and more often than not are unable top deliver the goods they promise. These are your common or garden Tenerife bullshitters.

The Spanish have a phrase for people like this which I think is just perfect:

‘No tiene una abuela’ (he doesn’t have a grandmother).

Last week we met someone who completely broke this mould. He wasn’t a bullshitter as such, he just told endless stories about his exploits. I didn’t doubt that any of them were true, but he put such a spin on some that I’ve still got a graze on my chin from where it hit the concrete floor.

This is the most outrageous example of what I mean.

I don’t know what the hell we were talking about, but to illustrate that he wasn’t racist, our new acquaintance told us he had an African child, an Indian child, a Japanese child, a Maori child… and so on; all illegitimate. He was your stereotypical example of the sailor who really did have a woman in every port and by the sound of it left her something to remember him by forever.

Using the fact that you’ve shagged your way around the world to demonstrate that you’re a firm believer in everyone being equal is quite a unique approach in itself. But it was what came next which was the real sucker punch.

When we pointed out that leaving unsupported babies across the world wasn’t exactly the most responsible pastime going, he provided a rationale which not only justified it, but turned his shagging his way around the world into a truly selfless act.

Apparently at the time of his misdeeds, in Japan and New Zealand any Japanese or Maori child who had been sired by a western father was automatically guaranteed certain privileges (guilt payments no doubt) like monetary grants, a better education and various other benefits.

Ostensibly he wasn’t leaving a load of women all over the world with another unwanted mouth to feed, he was doing them a favour by giving them a way to access benefits they wouldn’t otherwise get and help ensure that their child would have a better chance than most. All without him having to do anything else apart from dip his wick.

What a saint! It was classic.


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