The Development of Tenerife, the Long & Winding Road

I’ve driven around Las Américas and Costa Adeje many, many times. But I always take what seemed like incredibly circuitous routes to get anywhere.

Last weekend, after crippling myself on 12 Beaches Boulevard I got the chance to see which route Tenerife’s bus drivers used to travel between Los Cristianos and Fañabe.

We had a look at taxis first but, after noticing that the fare from the centre of Los Cristianos just to the port was €5 I figured that as I’d never paid to get screwed, I wasn’t about to start now.

With a bit of advice from bus route guru Colin Kirby, Andy and I boarded the 417 bound for Guia de Isora. From Los Cristianos to just before San Eugenio the route was pretty straightforward, but it was from there I was really interested. Blow me if the bus driver didn’t take the route I thought that I must have always gotten wrong. To get from one part of Costa Adeje to Fañabe on four wheels you really do have to cross the TF1, go round a couple of roundabouts and re-cross it again.

I’ve always suspected I was missing something, but no – it is actually a complete mystery of road planning. It just doesn’t make any sense and betrays that someone wasn’t exactly looking at the bigger picture when they were developing the area.

As we turned this way and that way on a convoluted route from A to B, La Laguna popped into my head. The reason being that when La Laguna was being developed nearly 5 centuries ago, the grid layout used for the town was revolutionary. It was such a logical and clever layout that many South America cities used it as a blueprint.

This thought occurred to me; is it possible that five centuries ago road planners on Tenerife were smarter and more advanced that they are now?

As an epilogue of sorts, when we crossed into the Fañabe the bus headed back towards PDLA before turning and coming to a halt at a bus stop. It was quite a distance from the hotel, so I advised Andy that we should stay on the bus until it got a bit closer.

My heart fell when the bus, instead of taking the road I thought it would, headed right back across the motorway again in the direction of Guia de Isora, presumably because there was no way to rejoin the motorway from the side I wanted to be on (those pesky road planners again). Thankfully we managed to get off on the other side nearly opposite our hotel, so it wasn’t a disaster and we didn’t end up with an unplanned trip to Guia, but it was a close call.

Stepping Back into Tenerife’s Past: Tenerife Beaches and Resorts in 1969

I’ve just been thumbing through a little hard-backed tourist guidebook for Tenerife written back in 1969 when mass tourism was not so much in its infancy as barely having left the womb.

It’s a fascinating little book – unfortunately it’s in German and although I did study German for a while, I can only remember a smattering of words like der spinne and schizenhousen (actually it was my dad who taught me that one). Funnily enough I can remember more phrases from those little Commando books than I can from school lessons so if ever I need a ‘Gott im Himmel’ or ‘Achtung Englander’, I’m well prepared.

Anyway, the point is lots of the little gems within are lost to me, but names of places are in Spanish and there’s a little information section at the end which is in Spanish and English as well.

The photos are a real eye-opener to the way Tenerife has changed over the last 40 years…or not.

Tenerife's classiest town - looking almost exactly how it looked 40 years ago

There are some places – parts of the north west coast, La Orotava, Teide National Park – where the photos are exactly the same as ones I’ve taken in the last couple of years. However there are others where the differences are staggering. The La Orotava Valley for one, where much of the banana plantations in the lower valley have been engulfed by concrete – but Puerto de la Cruz had been an established port and was used to receiving visitors for centuries, so there was always a decent sized town on the coast.

The real contrast is on the south coast where there are as many small fishing boats on Los Cristianos beach as sunbathers and a handful of buildings at the back of the beach. El Médano is the same; Los Gigantes is almost non-existent and Las Américas not even a twinkle in developer’s eyes. Costa Adeje is a place that is way off in the future.

It was a very different Tenerife back then – just listen to this description of Bajamar.

‘…Bajamar which, after Puerto de la Cruz, can be considered the best equipped coastal resort for tourists.’

Now compare with the description of Los Cristianos.

‘This coastal village should become a resort of more extensive proportions because of its excellent climate…’

An almost identical photo to one in the 40 year-old book

Somebody clearly took that advice on board…and then some.

Interestingly Güímar is described as ‘the most important town in the southern part of the island.’ Which of course it always was and why the road south stopped there for centuries until the tiny southern hamlets were connected to civilisation by tarmac in the 1940s

Then there are the beaches on Tenerife, some of which don’t exactly match their current incarnations.

Playa Las Teresitas  – ‘It is 1450 metres long and the sand is dark in colour.’

Playa Los Cristianos – ‘The sand is light coloured. The road goes as far as the beach.’ The road goes as far as the beach; isn’t that great?

Playa Puerto Santiago - ‘…a length of 63 metres and dark sand; the road goes as far as the village, and then there is a path to the beach.’ Actually, thinking about the access to Playa Puerto Santiago today, it’s not that much different.

Finally the area of Las Américas/Costa Adeje gets a mention at last, except it’s not called Las  Américas.
Even then the beach was known as Playa de la Troya but getting to it was a bit different than nowadays – ’300 metres long with rocks; there is a road to the cliff-top and a path down to the beach.’

Fantastic isn’t it?

The Waitress From Another Planet: Blogging About a Day on Tenerife Part 2

The second ‘odd’ incident of the day was a nothing event really, but was still pretty bizarre.

In between our Tenerife Magazine meeting and the Pirate FM launch, we arranged to take some photos at Le Bistro D’Alain in Los Cristianos and grabbed a hasty meal – not unfortunately at the Bistro which wasn’t actually open yet.

We chose a place near the Bistro and sat at a table. The waitress, who looked like Carla from Cheers, appeared pretty

Carla from 'Cheers' or a waitress in Los Cristianos?

promptly, handed us the menus and then asked us a question in something that sounded like Spanish, but which neither of us could decipher. We asked her to repeat it. Again, neither of us could make it out so she mimed drinking. ‘Jeez, we’re having a seriously bad Spanish day,’ I thought.

She brought us our drinks and then got her notebook out to take our food order:

“Pasta con mozzarella y albahaca,” Andy ordered.

The waitress frowned and made a noise that sounded like a cross between ‘que’ and ‘eh’. Andy repeated it and got the same reaction from the waitress, so she tried a variation of pronunciations in case it was the way she was saying it. But the waitress just couldn’t understand. In the end Andy pointed the dish out on the menu, but even then it took the waitress a few moments to figure it out.

By this time I wasn’t looking forward to giving her my order as mine had wurst in it and I wasn’t exactly sure how Spaniards, who have trouble with the old ‘W’ sound, would say that anyway.

My fears were valid as we entered comedy sketch territory. I tried to help the bemused looking waitress out with a selection of different pronunciations ranging from a simple ‘woorst’ to ‘w-uh-rst’ to an elaborate ‘eh-woo-er-est-eh‘ which was probably accompanied by a bit of unattractive gurning as I tried to wrap my tongue around the word, but no joy. She still didn’t seem any wiser when I pointed it out and took the menu away for a confab with the chef.

We’ve experienced situations in Los Cristianos in the past where we speak to waiters in Spanish but they only ever respond in English. However this was something new.  Carla looked Spanish and spoke something that sounded like Spanish, but not Castilian or even a particularly heavy-accented Canarian Spanish. And what’s more she didn’t seem to understand Spanish – I realise we don’t sound as though we come from Seville, but we don’t usually have a problem being understood.

I know there are differences between the north and south of Tenerife, but up until that point I didn’t think it extended to a whole new language.

As we waited, a couple of girls and a man sat at a table near us. The girls spoke English but it clearly wasn’t their first language; the man was Spanish. We were intrigued to see what would happen when they ordered…and were delighted and relieved when they tried to order in fluent Spanish and the exact same charade was played out with them. By the time the waitress left them they looked as completely as bemused by her performance as we had been. We could understand exactly what they’d asked for, but the waitress once again didn’t have a clue and at no time did she even attempt to try another language. In fact she behaved as though she’d never set eyes on the menu before. I wondered if it was her first day on the job.

We weren’t really surprised when she got both our and the other table’s orders wrong.

Although the food wasn’t exactly what Andy ordered, it was decently cooked and the entertainment value was compensation. So if you fancy a meal served by the waitress from another planet, the restaurant is opposite Mestizo’s in Los Cristianos.

Another planet? Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe she was just stoned.

Tornado Tears Across Los Cristianos Beach: Blogging About a Day on Tenerife Part 1

A sensationalist headline? Maybe…but it’s true. However, more of that in a bit.

Someone asked me recently if I thought I’d run out of things to write about Tenerife. You’ve got to be joking. Just about every time I leave the house I end up with enough material to fill any number of blogs. Some of it I write, some I forget, some I file away for later and some I’ll wait until I’ve left the island before I write them.

Take Thursday for example. We were in the south of the island to take photographs, attend a Tenerife Magazine meeting and for the launch of Pirate FM. Apart from those, there were three incidents which in turn amazed, amused and had me swearing like a trooper.

Tornado in Tenerife
The first was the tornado in Los Cristianos. I’d just finished taking photos at Meson Castellano and we were filling the time before our Tenerife Magazine meeting by sitting on the promenade soaking up some rays. That was the plan, but the sun was being shy and had disappeared behind a bank of clouds (adding to my record of it rarely being full sunshine when I visit the south to take photos). Not only that but a cool wind whipped up sending a sand storm across the promenade.

It seemed to have died down when a sizeable tornado formed right in front of our eyes – I kid you not. I’ve never seen a tornado first hand before and was completely transfixed as the whirling column of sand reached into the sky, did a shimmy and then made off across the beach in the direction of the sea. It was clearly a considerate tornado as it chose a path which took it between the rows of sunbeds, missing the cloud-bathers completely…apart from one woman who was right in its path. She spotted it coming and tried to run out of its way, but as it reached her, it changed direction and went straight for her. It was bizarre – as it passed through her it looked as though she’d been turned upside down and everything she was holding was blown sky wards. Luckily it didn’t linger and carried on its way till it reached the sea where it just sort of dissipated.

Had I been Quick Enough There Would Be a Tornado Just to the Right of These Sun Loungers

It was an amazing sight and lasted about ten seconds in all.  I carry my camera everywhere, so did I take a photo? Did I buggery – I was hypnotised by the damn thing. I waited and waited hoping another would form, but with no luck and no evidence of the tornado on Los Cristianos beach. But if you don’t believe me ask Colin Kirby, it turned out he also witnessed it.

Eating Out on Tenerife – From Junk Food to Nouvelle Cuisine Part 2

Nouvelle Cuisine – Looking Good Enough to Eat
After the tapas in the petrol station we went upmarket for our next meal. Dinner on the Tuesday evening was at the super chic Watermelon in San Telmo, Los Cristianos with John, Chris and Alan.
It’s a really nice venue overlooking Las Vistas beach; the presentation of the food complemented the views. Andy had salmon whilst I chose revuelta con chistorras y champiñones –  basically a posh way of saying scrambled eggs, sausage and mushrooms. So ostensibly I had opted for the all-day breakfast, but as created by a chef with Picasso tendencies. It’s an attractive restaurant and the food was nicely prepared and presented, but the service although friendly was a bit hit and miss.

Lunch in Isla Baja
Breakfast on Wednesday morning was basically coffee at the Pearly Grey Resort. We had to stop off at Playa de la Arena and Masca, so wanted to head off sharpish. By the time we’d finished our business and had driven in and out of Masca (that road never fails to WOW me, it’s incredible – I love it) we arrived at Buenavista del Norte at around 2pm with stomachs rumbling like angry volcanoes.
We stopped at the first restaurant we spotted, the Akabu Pizzeria I think it was called (Pamela from Secret Tenerife can put me right if I’m wrong here). It was a comfortable little restaurant just off the main road through the town. The only other people were a couple of workman having a liquid lunch. As we’d had a few drinks the night before, we felt a carb and sugar hit was in order, so a quatro estaciones pizza and two Fanta orange juices were ordered. It didn’t take long for it to arrive on the table and it was surprisingly good; a credit card thin crusty base and with lots of salami, ham and mozzarella cheese topping. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. Cost €11

Traditional Canarian Cuisine in Los Cristianos
The final meal out of the week was back in Los Cristianos on Thursday for a lunchtime meet-up with John, Chris, Alan and fellow bloggers and writers, Colin Kirby, Julie Hume and Joe Cawley. The menu was traditional Canarian, but I’ve got to admit to balking a bit when I saw the prices. The problem is when you know what items on a menu cost in restaurants in other parts of the island. The dishes on the menu were familiar, but the price was double what we’d normally pay in an equivalent establishment in many places outside the main tourist drag. You might think that the price hike is because the restaurant is in a predominantly tourist area, but it was filled to bursting with Canarios. Andy and I ordered potaje de lentejas (a meaty lentil soup) followed by hake and one potato (Andy) and rabbit and rice (me) which I picked because it sounded like an odd combination. In truth it was rabbit paella. Chris also went for the rabbit…but his turned out to be more rice with a hint of rabbit as actual rabbit pieces were a tad on the scarce side.

When we asked for vino del país they brought us a rather fine bottle of local Arona wine. Up north you normally get a jug of earthy country wine from the owner’s own little vineyard. Both eminently quaffable, but also very different.
Overall the food was nicely cooked and the company good fun with the conversation veering from pearls of wisdom to enjoyable nonsense. The waiters did have that annoying knack of having an aversion to eye contact though, making trying to attract attention an almost impossible affair. I think at one point there were three sets of waving arms and we still failed.

It was interesting comparing eating in all those places on Tenerife over the last week. At every one the service was friendly, but funnily the least efficient establishments were probably the two most expensive. Similarly with the food. I wouldn’t say that the food at any wasn’t enjoyable – my least favourite was the rabbit and rice, but that was more down to me not picking well – but neither did it follow that the higher the price, the better the food.

Eating Out on Tenerife – From Junk Food to Nouvelle Cuisine Part 1

Due to the demands of a hectic, but most enjoyably diverse schedule, we found ourselves eating out quite a lot last week – it’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

The places we ate were incredibly varied, as were the prices, and included an eclectic selection of eateries in the north, east, south and west.

Junk Food Joy
First up was the Saturday evening before Easter Sunday. Having spent the afternoon with friends we still had to pick up a chicken for Sunday dinner. As it was 8pm we decided to head to La Villa shopping centre in La Orotava for the bird and then grab one of the seriously belly swelling pizzas at the Posada del Rey there. Normally we avoid shopping at La Villa on Saturdays. It feels as though everyone from the La Orotava Valley descends on the place; in short it’s manic. At 8pm on a Saturday evening it was pandemonium. Every table at every restaurant was taken and the Posada was closed. Feeling like Joseph and Mary we managed to squeeze in at the bar of La Oficina and ordered cheeseburgers, fries and a couple of beers. Their burgers are home made, big, beefy and as good as I’ve tasted anywhere. It was buzzing and watching the two waitresses zip about like blue-arsed flies made me feel tired on their behalf, but they cooked and kept everyone happy with super efficiency. Cost €8

Bocadillos Al Fuera
This one doesn’t really count, but it’s worth a quick mention. On Monday we headed up into the Mount Teide crater to map out a walk for one of our Island Walks routes. Sitting on top of the crater wall munching on home made bocadillos whilst devouring the incredible views was possibly the meal of the week.

Tapas at the Petrol Station
Having squeezed in as much work as we could on Tuesday morning we headed south to meet with John Beckley of Sorted Sites and Chris Clarkson & Alan Gilmour of Tenerife.co.uk. The meeting was at 1pm, so we decided to grab a quick bite en route in the cafe at the PCan petrol station near Tajao. These places are great; they’re always busy and full of customers shouting to be heard over the loud salsa music. We ordered ensaladilla rusa (huge portion), croquetas (potato and fish croquettes – a bit dry) and a bizarre one I hadn’t seen before; hot dogs and potatoes in a spicy sauce (surprisingly good). These were washed down with two steaming cups of black coffee that were strong enough to put hairs on your chest – basically amphetamine in a cup. I never slept for three days afterwards. In twenty minutes we were fed, watered and ready to hit the road again. Cost €11.

Continued in Eating Out on Tenerife – From Junk Food to Nouvelle Cuisine Part 2

Tenerife to La Gomera on Public Transport – Island Hopping Canaries Style

It was a friend on La Gomera’s birthday last weekend and we’d promised her we’d hop across from Tenerife to celebrate.

Normally we drive everywhere, but now and again we ditch the car and use the public transport system. I could tell you that doing so helps with our continuing mission to experience all elements of life on Tenerife first hand, which it does, but the real reason is that after a weekend on La Gomera we’re usually too buggered to drive back from Los Cristianos to Puerto de la Cruz.

Stage 1 – Our House to Puerto Bus Station
Calima had rolled in big time on Friday and the temperatures were into the 30s. So tooled out with two rucksacks, a notebook, camera bag and a sheepskin rug (don’t ask) we sweated our way through the banana plantation and up the hill to the main road to catch the bus into Puerto. About fifteen minutes later we pulled into Puerto bus station with about a minute to spare before the ‘sin parada’ (no stops) bus to Santa Cruz left. Cost €1.20 each.

Stage 2 – Puerto de la Cruz to Santa Cruz
Despite there being three buses to Santa Cruz every half hour, the 10am 103 bus was absolutely jam packed full. Whilst we were queuing to get on, I clocked Tenerife’s version of a chav hanging around the entrance to the bus, taking a last swig from a bottle of beer before he got on the bus. We grabbed two of the last available seats and he squeezed into what must have been the last just across the aisle from us. Even though all the seats had gone, people, mostly mature locals, continued to stream on, filling up the aisle. Then the young ‘chav’ did the most unexpected thing – he got up from his seat and offered it to an old lady. It was one of these little moments that completely confounded expectations.

Despite the heat, it was a pleasant 40 minute journey into Santa Cruz, apart from the fact that someone had a fart attack just as we arrived in the capital. In a confined area like that bus it was potentially lethal. Cost €2.75 each (we used a bono).

Stage 3 – Santa Cruz to Los Cristianos Port
Even though we’d booked tickets online for the Fred Olsen Express (€60 for the return trip for the two of us), we still had to pick up boarding cards at the Fred Olsen office in the bus station. This involved photocopying residencia papers and passports. Good to see that online booking has streamlined the process – Tinerfeños still have something of an obsession with paperwork.
One of the great things about travelling from Santa Cruz to catch a ferry in Los Cristianos is that all the ferry companies lay on a free bus to the port. It’s a wonderful service which takes a lot of the pain out of travelling. You pick up your tickets, jump on the free bus and an hour or so later, you’re stepping off the bus and onto the ferry in Los Cristianos. Cost – a big fat zero.

Stage 4 – Los Cristianos to San Sebastian de La Gomera
I like the Fred Olsen ferries; they’re clean, nicely laid out with lots of room and have a bar/café area in each zone. They also have free WiFi. It’s not the greatest signal, but it did mean that we were able to answer a few emails during the forty minute crossing to La Gomera.

Having left our house at 9.30am, we stepped onto the harbour in sunny San Sebastian, La Gomera just over four hours, three buses and a ferry later at 1.40pm. We were relaxed and ready to allow ourselves to be embraced by La Gomera’s charms.

The Harbour at San Sebastian, La Gomera

A Day in the Life of an Ex-Pat on Tenerife

Firstly, this might not be a typical day on Tenerife – there isn’t really such a thing for us – but neither is it untypical.

7.00am
It’s still dark when we drag ourselves out of bed. A shot of black coffee gives the brain cells a jolt and I turn from an unintelligible caveman into something resembling a human being. Whiskas purrs happily – he’s had his breakfast nearly two hours earlier than normal.

8.00am
We hit gridlock just outside Tacoronte. It’s like driving to work in Manchester. The traffic crawls all the way until the motorway opens into three lanes just past the north airport. A 20 minute journey takes 50 minutes.

An open air gymn at Las Caletillas

9.00am
We reach Las Caletillas in Candelaria and the smell of fresh bread from little bakeries is intoxicating. The sun is out and the only people about are Canarios of all ages running, power-walking or strolling gently listening to their iPods whilst kidding themselves they’re doing exercise. It’s got a nice atmosphere.

10.00am
We’ve got about 30 minutes in Los Abrigos to take photos and to check that restaurants haven’t changed etc. It’s only a small fishing village with good fish restaurants, so not a lot of ground to cover. I don’t find it particularly picturesque, although it’s got quite a nice harbour area. Still the sun’s shining and there’s one old guy mending fishing nets whilst five more watch – this is a typical Tenerife work scenario.

Los Abrigos - tranquil in the morning sun

11.00am
We meet Nikki from Tenerife Dogs in Los Cristianos and head to the Mestizo bar for a meeting with Colin Kirby and John Beckley to discuss how we’re going to continue our mission to make Tenerife Magazine the most interesting, original and best looking magazine on the island. This takes three hours and more black coffee than is good for us.

2.00pm
We haven’t eaten so we stop off at a little café where the music is jazzy cool and the lomo in the bocadillos chunky. A plan to also visit stockists of Island Drives is disappearing out of the window.

3.00pm
We’re in Chayofa, a residential area above Los Cristianos. Some parts are very green and picturesque and the area around the Finca del Arte is charming. But the cloud has descended over the whole area, draining colour from the scene – it isn’t looking at its best, but photos are required pronto.

5pm
Some more work in Playa de la Arena and a short meet up with another friend. By the time we head up the hill towards Santiago del Teide we’re flagging badly.

5.30pm
The Erjos Pools are bathed in late afternoon sunshine revealing that the pools, which were desert-dry after the fires a couple of years ago, aren’t actually pools anymore…but small lakes. Unfortunately we don’t have time to stop to take any piccies.

6.37pm
Reach home, have a quick check of email, jump in the shower, get changed, feed the cat and go out again.

7.30pm
Pick up Bob, a friend who spends three months in Puerto de la Cruz every year. It’s his last night before returning to the UK and we’d arranged to go to a restaurant where the garlic chicken was supposed to rival Adeje’s. All Bob knows is that it’s up a steep street and has big chimneys.

8pm
Thanks to some inspired navigation we find the restaurant Casa Francisco above La Victoria first time. We’re the only non-Canarios in the place.

Casa Francisco - By this point just about everyone else had left

8.15pm
The waiter is a mind reader – he tells us we want vino tinto before we ask and also that we want garlic chicken. We order a salad, morcilla and some croquetas de pescado as well. The mind reader bit turns out not to be so impressive – everyone is eating big plates of garlic chicken. It’s so good that Bob orders a second portion. The waiter fills up the carafe of wine without being asked.

1030pm
We’ve managed to munch our way through the mountain of food and ask for the bill, the waiter brings it – €39. As he hands over the bill, he brings another small carafe of wine on the house. It looks like we’re never going to get out of this place.

11.30pm
Shattered, we drop Bob off to party away his last night in Puerto and head home. We reach the car park at the same time as our taxi driver neighbour who, despite having lived for 6 months in the little casita which we pass daily, we’ve never actually said hello to. In the pitch darkness we introduce ourselves – he’s called Pierro and seems like a really nice bloke.

11.40pm
Stretch out on the sofa, ignore the cat at the window who has got a face like he’s sucked a lemon and turn on the telly to catch the last 20 minutes of ER before collapsing into bed hoping to sleep the sleep of the dead – which doesn’t actually happen because of the super strength coffee earlier.

Does the Sun Ever Shine in the South of Tenerife?

I’ve come to the conclusion that the general perception that the sun always shines in the south of Tenerife whilst it’s always cloudy, cool and more than likely raining in the north of Tenerife is an urban myth put about by people who benefit by encouraging tourists to visit the south rather than the north.

As I live in the north, I’ve always known that it was at very least an exaggeration which is regularly fuelled by people who state a variation of the following.

“It’s always cloudy in the north of Tenerife.”

Then when you ask then how often they visit, they come out with something like ‘Oh, I was there for 10 minutes in 1981’.

Anyway, I’ve got very good reason to believe that the differences aren’t as great as everyone has been led to believe… and it’s this.

On Saturday, we left sunny Puerto de la Cruz with the testing objective of completing three walks in the south as research for our Real Tenerife Walking Guides.

When we got to our destination it was cloudy with some sunshine, but as the day went on the cloud became thicker, the temperature dropped to being slightly cool and there was even light rain. This was great for walking, but for taking photographs it was a disaster. There’s no real colour in parts of the arid southern hills, only variations of brown which the low cloud completely washed out. Photographing the landscape was like photographing a bucket of ditchwater.

A Rare Spell of Sunshine Just Before that Big Grey Carpet Descended

As a one off this means nada, but this was the fourth time I’d tried to get photographs in this particular area and each time it had been cloudy.

I remember specific instances exactly because we’re usually doing research for articles and good photographs are a must. A couple of years ago we wrote a series of ‘walking’ features for Living Tenerife Magazine and the one on the south was visually the weakest because the weather had been poor (cloudy) on every occasion we attempted to get some photographs. In fact the section about the Barranco del Infierno was nearly a non-starter as they almost closed the Barranco because of rain.

As we walked in a washed out landscape on Saturday I worked out that out of the last 10 big features we had written about the south of Tenerife which needed photos, I’d lucked out in photographic terms 9 times because the weather had let us down.

That’s quite a statistic

The thing is that I’d never dream of stating ‘the south of Tenerife is always cloudy’ because clearly I know that this simply isn’t the case; just as it isn’t the case with the north coast either. Generally speaking, sunshine is the normal state of affairs for both coasts with the south faring better overall. Sometimes you can just be unlucky with the weather – in my case, apparently 90% of the time when it comes to the south.

Incidentally, there are places on Tenerife which can be relied upon weather wise when I need to take photographs for web and magazine articles. Las Cañadas del Teide is pretty much a guarantee. Alcalá and the triad of Playa de la Arena; Puerto Santiago and Los Gigantes rarely let me down; the east coast is consistently bathed in sunshine and Santa Cruz almost always comes up with the sunny goods.

Inglouriously Lazy Basterds in Tenerife

Have you heard the rumour that Quentin Tarantino is going to follow up his WWII flick ‘Inglourious Basterds’ with a sequel called ‘Inglouriously Lazy Basterds’ and that he’s going to set it in Tenerife?

Apparently the film will follow the misfortunes of 12 holidaymakers who choose Los Cristianos as their holiday destination.

Over the space of two weeks they come up with ingenious ways of being able to move from beach to bar and vice versa without having to use their legs, or any muscles at all for that matter.

WARNING: SPOILER ALERT – By the end of their fortnight they’ve ceased to resemble humans to such an extent that they look more like featureless blimps and have to hire local lads to roll them to their favourite bar where, at the end of a twelve hour binge of eating and drinking, they spectacularly explode in Monty Python ‘Meaning of Life’ fashion, levelling Los Cristianos to the ground – it’s a morality tale.

Sounds far fetched? I think not.

Last week in Los Cristianos I was walking through the underpass which links the town with Playa de las Vistas when I heard the soft whirring of one of those motorized mobility scooters behind me. I moved out of the way to let the scooter past, noticing it was a relatively young guy of about forty driving it. Seconds later another scooter passed me, this time with a woman of about the same age with a girl aged about five or six on her lap – it was a family outing.

They whirred into the car park and proceeded to do laps of the area as though they were messing around on the dodgems. At one point the man turned so quickly that the scooter teetered on two wheels – he was having great fun. None of the family had so much as a limp; they were simply using the scooters as a sort of fun way of getting about the resort.

In the space of a couple of hours I saw two families using mobility scooters this way, so clearly not an isolated incident.

I know sometimes I can pull on the dog collar and turn into Preacher Jack, but there’s something seriously distasteful about this… isn’t there?

I’ve always thought that the Arona council has shown themselves to be incredibly forward thinking in trying to create a barrier free paradise. The availability of mobility scooters is one way of making it easier for people with genuine mobility problems to enjoy the town as much as anybody else; idiots using them as playthings, or as a way to avoid actually walking anywhere reaches serious depths of crassness.

The irony is that if anyone is so lazy that they use a mobility scooter to get around when they don’t need to, the chances are that they might actually end up with mobility problems for real.

A case of be careful what you wish for.

When did people turn into such inglouriously lazy basterds?